im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You ruined the universe
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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