walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
