Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
