This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
