i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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