just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
