you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
