I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
