i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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