I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
