Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
