paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
