His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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