That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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