So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
