You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
