Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Terrible idea I love it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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