Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
