last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
