I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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