So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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