cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
