I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
