Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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