Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
