he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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