Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
