when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
