Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
