Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
