You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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