My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
