when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
