My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
