Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My pussy is not your playground.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
