Define "chronic" masturbator.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
