So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Damn victory sex feels great
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
