god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
