Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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