Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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