Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
