I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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