dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
