Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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