I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I deserve this hangover.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
