So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
