I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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