none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I puked a lego.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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