Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Success! We fucked roommates!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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