There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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