he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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